


I Hate This

by K17L53



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Closeted Character, F/F, Trans Character, Trans Lexa, closeted lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-12-13 11:44:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11759151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Lexa is trans and closeted and she's having a bad day. Clarke's the only person who knows and she's also the only one Lexa can go to after a shitty day because Clarke has a way of making her feel better.





	1. Happy birthday

**Author's Note:**

> anyways, this isn't edited so all mistakes are mine. just a short fic to get my own thoughts out really. oh and it's set in high school, around that time anyways.

“Your boyfriend’s birthday’s tomorrow.” Raven said with a small smirk, quirking an eyebrow. “Any plans?”

 

Clarke flinched a little at _boyfriend_ , but didn’t correct her because she knew Lexa didn’t want that, not yet. “No plans. Not really.” She shrugged, looking through the shelves of birthday cards, looking for the one she wanted. “We’re just going out for dinner, and then we’re coming back to my place.”

 

“That counts as _plans_.” Octavia added. “Is your mom going to be home?”

 

Clarke shook her head. “She’s working late. We have the house to ourselves.”

 

“Nice.” Raven nodded. “Looks like you’re both going to be having a _very long night_.”

 

Clarke only rolled her eyes; it was going to be a long night in the sense that they were going to cuddle in bed and watch movies and TV shows. “Yep,” She decided to just play along because telling her friends otherwise would just result in way too many questions about her sex life.

 

“Wait, does your mom know he’s staying the night?” Octavia asked after a minute; as much as Clarke was the type of person to not tell her parents about having her significant other over, Axel didn’t. He seemed like the perfect guy to take home to your parents, someone who wouldn’t lie to his parents about where he was the previous night.

 

“She does.” Clarke nodded, “You know my mom likes him.” She shrugged, wanting to spray herself with cold water for having to misgender her girlfriend. “So it’s fine.”

 

* * *

 

**Lexa**

**8:03pm**

Can we just stay in?

 

Clarke noticed her phone light up with a text as she was looking through her closet, looking for what she wanted to wear tonight.

 

**Lexa**

**8:04pm**

I’m just really tired, it’s been a long day. And I don’t feel like going out.

 

The texts worried her a little, she sounded off, upset, well as much as she could tell from just a couple of texts. Contemplating whether she wanted to just call, and make sure everything was okay, Clarke stopped; she shook her head, deciding it would be best to just talk to her in person.

 

**Clarke**

**8:05pm**

Yeah, yeah. Come over, I’ll order us some pizza and we can watch movies and just relax J.

 

**Clarke**

**8:05pm**

Lexa are you okay?

 

**Lexa**

**8:06pm**

I’ll be there in five minutes.

 

It was about ten minutes before the two of them were in Clarke’s bedroom, Lexa sitting on the bed as Clarke walked up to her with her laptop. “Everything okay babe?” Clarke finally asked, sitting down next to her. She seemed upset the moment Clarke opened the door, like something had gone wrong today; every time Lexa even so much tried to speak, it seemed like she was going to burst out in tears.

 

“I hate this.” She answered quietly, leaning against Clarke as Clarke set down the laptop on the bed next to her.

 

“Hate what?” Clarke asked slowly, her arm going up around her shoulders.

 

“Everything.” Lexa replied, her voice just a whisper right now. “Have you seen the birthday cards I got?” She asked rhetorically, “My parents, my sister, other family members who still take the time to physically send out cards…” Lexa moved away slightly, pulling up her backpack from the floor before unzipping it. “Son, and brother, and nephew…” She shook her head, adding as she reached inside, pulling out a small pile of birthday cards. “Just…why?” Lexa rolled her eyes, handing them to Clarke. “The don’t need to say anything other than just _happy birthday_ why is that so hard?”

 

Clarke nodded, shuffling through cards absentmindedly. “Then you’re not going to like the one I got you.” She said hesitantly, moving to stand up.

 

Lexa looked at her, a little confused as she got up too, following Clarke to the opposite side of the room. “What is it?” She asked, Clarke leaning down to pick out a small gift bag from behind a pile from clothes, which Lexa assumed was there to just hide it.

 

“Here,” Clarke picked it up, handing it to Lexa. It was relatively small, with pink, white, and purple stripes on it, and stapled shut.

 

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” Lexa said with a small forced smile as she took it from her. It had been a long day, and she really didn’t have it in her to do anything other than just stare blankly at a computer screen lying in Clarke’s arms.

 

“I wanted to,” Clarke replied, waiting as Lexa pulled it open before bringing out the light green envelope.

 

The envelope was blank, it didn’t have anything written on it, Lexa realized as she flipped it over and slowly tore it open. She pulled out the birthday card from inside, and it was no more than a few seconds before she was tearing up at it. “Clarke,” Lexa only breathed out, unable to say anything else as tears threatened to spill. She looked back down at the piece of paper in her hands, that one word throwing her off.

 

Clarke watched her for a moment, noticing her quiver in her lips and wondering for a moment if she did something wrong, before bringing herself closer to Lexa and pulling her into her arms. Lexa closed her eyes, melting into her embrace as she tried to keep herself calm. “Are you okay?” Clarke finally asked, her arms still tightly around Lexa.

 

She nodded against her, “You really see me as your girlfriend?” Lexa asked, her voice a little shaky, still not letting go.

 

“Of course I do.” Clarke kissed her temple. “That is what you are to me, isn’t it?”

 

Lexa didn’t know, she wanted to nod but it was still unreal every time anyone – _Clarke_ – referred to her as a girl. She was the only one who so much as knew, she was the only one Lexa could trust enough to talk to about this. Sometimes she couldn’t even see it herself because every time she looked into the mirror, she would only see an average teenage boy looking back at her. And she needed this today; she needed to be reminded that she was who she knew she was. “I love you.” Lexa managed to get out, taking in another shaky breath. “I love you so much.”

 

Clarke smiled at her, one of her hands moving up to run through the short hairs along the back of her neck. “I love you too.” She replied, the two of them finally pulling away. Lexa was still looking down, her eyes glued to the floor as Clarke brought her hands up to her face, “Lexa,” She said quietly, gently tilting her head up so she could look at her. “It’s okay.”

 

Lexa let out another shaky breath, still not looking at her. “You don’t know how much this means to me.” She told her, shaking her head slightly. “Just hearing you say my name…” Lexa brought her head up, looking at Clarke. “It just makes me feel a bit more valid.”

 

Clarke let out a knowing sigh, leading her to sit down on the bed. “You’re having a bad day, huh?” She asked, pulling her closer. “Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“It’s the same shit as always,” Lexa shrugged, relaxing in Clarke’s arms. “You’ve heard it all.” She added, “Countless times.”

 

“Doesn’t matter.” Clarke replied. “Tell me anyways,” She moved her arm up and down Lexa’s back, knowing she always felt a little lighter after talking about it and getting it out of her system. “You know I always want to listen.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, Clarke knew all of this anyways, what was the point in putting her through this again. “I just feel like I’ll never get there, you know?” She spoke quietly, “Everything just seems so far away and after today…” She shrugged, “You know, every time I read something like that…I just…everything just seemed further away.” Lexa added, “It just kept reminding me where I am now…and how I might never even get to the point I want to…”

 

“You will,” Clarke said almost instantly, not a hint of doubt in her voice.

 

“What if I don’t?” Lexa asked with a shrug, “What if I can’t get away from my family?”

 

“You will.” Clarke repeated. Things were weird with Lexa and her family, on the surface everything seemed fine but Lexa knew where they stood on _unconventional_ things. Being gay would be a nightmare for both her parents and Lexa doesn’t even want to imagine what it’d be like if she was to come out to them as trans. They were strict, and they were religious and that seemed to always be their excuse for being so close-minded. She saw the way they looked at anyone who wasn’t cis gendered or straight – a trans person who didn’t quite _pass_ , a woman walking down the street holding hands with another woman. “There’s two more years of school left and then you’re gone.”

 

“It sounds pretty simple, but it’s really not.” Lexa shook her head. “Getting away from them won’t be as easy as that.” She let out a small sigh, “They’ll cut me off after I come out and I’m not even worried about that,” It’s not like Clarke didn’t know all of this already; Lexa’s told her more than a couple of times that her biggest worry was getting away from her family because she knew she’d never get to be the person she was if she stayed with them. It hurt to think that really; as much as Lexa hated going home, and hated how unhappy she was because she couldn’t be herself, it still hurt to think that she’d just have to get up and leave one day. “I don’t want to think about it right now.” Lexa finally shook her head, looking up at Clarke. “Can we just cuddle and watch something on Netflix.”

 

“Of course,” Clarke replied quietly, “In the mood for anything specific…?” She moved further onto the bed, Lexa following as they settled against the pillows.

 

“Nope,” Lexa shook her head, waiting as Clarke brought up the laptop and turned it on. “Just anything,” She told her. “I just wanna be with you right now.” Clarke leaned back once she was logged on to Netflix, Lexa taking no more than a couple of seconds before leaning her head against Clarke’s. “Tune the whole world out because I’m just tired of having to deal with it.”

 

“Hmm,” Clarke hummed in response, clicking on the first title that popped up, it looked like a rom-com. “Well, tonight it’s just us okay?” She said. “Nothing and no one else matters.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a while, staring blankly at the computer screen as the movie played. “I wish we could just stay in this moment.” She let out a small sigh, “Just the two of us, me in your arms.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, if only this could last longer than just tonight. “You’re the only one who sees me for who I am.” Lexa added, bringing her head up to look at Clarke. “What did I do to deserve you?”

 

“You didn’t have to do anything.” Clarke told her with a small smile. “You were just you and we were lucky enough to cross paths.”


	2. How's the most beautiful girl in the world doing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small moment with Lexa after football practice followed by a cute clexa moment. Then it's onto a...bad night for Lexa where everything feels off and she's just not having a good time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> although these two things are set in different days, it's kinda my way of saying (from a trans pov [from MY experiences]) how one moment everything feels fine, and you feel comfortable in your own skin...but then the next moment, your world is falling apart because everything feels wrong. anyways, the second part took longer to write than i thought it would, and well.....i have 3+ fics in progress rn as well. anyways, yes this fic is consuming me but i'm trying to structure it out properly and yepp imma let you read now.

The boys’ locker room was probably her least favorite place in the entire school, it was right above the boys’ bathroom. Too many guys, too many dicks, too many naked guys and Lexa just felt out of place here. Sure she knew she looked like everyone else here, and they all thought _she_ was just like them…but Lexa just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. It almost scared Lexa how everyone saw her like this, saw her like her teammates, as a 16 year old boy. She looked like that so it’s not like she could blame anyone for not assuming otherwise – lean but strong build, tall, good looking from what she’s been told but Lexa wouldn’t know.

 

“Ready for tomorrow’s game Axel?” She heard one of her teammates say, bringing her out of her thoughts.

 

She looked up, pulling on a shirt before smiling at Lincoln, “Born ready.” Lexa told him, that’s what they expected from their star quarterback. As much as she hated the boys’ locker room she actually liked football, she liked the game and she liked being a part of a team. “Have you met me?” She asked sarcastically, a smug little smile on her face.

 

Sometimes she wished she didn’t play though; Lexa wasn’t really that feminine, and that made her sometimes question whether she was _trans enough_. This is how she’d met Clarke though, she met her at a game last year and they hit it off right away. Clarke caught her eye in the crowd and Lexa just _had_ to go talk to her after the game. And she did, and Clarke was the least subtle person she’d ever met. So their first conversation ended with Clarke asking her to meet her after she was cleaned up followed by making out in the backseat of Clarke’s car.

 

> _“Nope,” Clarke shook her head, her hand going to Lexa’s which was about to reach under Clarke’s waistband. She only gave her a confused look, wanting to whine at Clarke because she thought this is where it was headed. “You gotta take me out to dinner first Axel.”_
> 
> _Lexa’d only sighed, she didn’t mind Clarke calling her ‘Axel’ because it’s not like she knew to call her anything different. “Really?” She asked Clarke, pulling away from her. “Okay,” She agreed anyways, because a no was a no and she’d never do anything to make anyone feel uncomfortable. “How about tomorrow night?”_
> 
> _Clarke nodded, a little surprised, “Yeah sure.” She told her. “So you’re not gonna try and convince me otherwise?” It wasn’t unlike guys to try that, girls too sometimes but Clarke didn’t really like doing anything with someone she’d just met._
> 
> _“Nope,” Lexa told her, sitting up straight, well she tried to – it wasn’t a big car. “You said no so there’s nothing I can do about it.” She shrugged. “But I am willing to take you to dinner. I’ll regret it if I let someone like you go without trying.” Lexa smiled at her, about to open the door to step out. “I’ll see you soon, Clarke.” She winked at her, finally opening the door and getting out of the car._
> 
>  
> 
> _“You better.”_

So yeah, it wasn’t all bad really, and Lexa was good friends with the guys on her team. Being out on the field was almost therapeutic for her, that as well as hitting the gym was probably the only places where Lexa could let her mind go blank. When she was playing, the only thing on her mind was the ball and trying to not let anyone take it from her. And when she was at the gym, it was just her and her music, nothing else in the world mattered and it felt like everything else just faded away. Hitting the gym was also a way for Lexa to improve her relationship with her body, putting in the work, and seeing the changes – yeah, it wasn’t what she wanted it to look and feel like but working on it felt good.

 

It was a short practice session because they were trying to squeeze in as much as they could before tomorrow’s game. So this was penned into the team’s schedule for the period right before lunch break – they all seemed to have a free period so according to their coach it was better to do it then rather than take up their lunch breaks. It was about fifteen minutes into break by now and Lexa had just changed after showering and was about to head out; she was headed for her locker before calling Clarke to see where she was.

 

Stepping out of the door though, an arm came up around from behind, going around Lexa’s lower back. It was Clarke, of course it was Clarke, of course she was waiting right outside the locker room. “Hey,” Clarke said with a smile, pressing a small kiss to Lexa’s jaw. “Mmm,” She commented, her nose brushing over her skin for a moment. “You smell good.”

 

“Yeah, I like that body spray you got me.” Lexa responded, “Makes me smell like ice cream.”

 

“Vanilla’s great babe.” Clarke told her. “And no one asks why you don’t smell like a damn pine cone.” Vanilla was a pretty gender-neutral thing to go for and Clarke knew Lexa would like not having to smell like she just bathed in Axe deodorant.

 

Lexa let out a small laugh, nodding, “Atom asked me where I got it from,” She said to Clarke, “Said it’s a lot better than smelling like _damn pine cone_.”

 

“Were those his words?”

 

“No, they’re your words, but yeah, that’s about it.” Lexa answered. “So, how’s the most beautiful girl in the world doing?” She asked, walking in stride with Clarke down the hallway.

 

“I don’t know, how are you doing?” Clarke asked in response, not missing a beat.

 

Lexa stopped in her tracks, taken back by what Clarke had asked as well as how quickly she responded. “Wait, what?” She asked, clearly at a loss for words.

 

Clarke leaned in closer, her mouth to Lexa’s ear because she didn’t want anyone else to hear her, “How is the most beautiful girl in the world doing?” She repeated Lexa’s question before moving. “How was your practice?”

 

“I’m doing good,” Lexa finally replied, unable to stop the soft smile on her face. “And practice was good.”

 

“That’s _good_.” Clarke nodded. “Come on, let’s go get lunch.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was just a bad night. One of those nights where everything about her body just felt wrong and she couldn't keep the tears from falling. Honestly, Lexa wanted to scream, tear her own skin off, just do anything to make her feel better. But it helped not having her parents home, she couldn't explain to them what was wrong and no parent wants to see their _son_ cry. It was a Friday night, Lexa’s dad was a police detective and he had the night shift today, and her mom was a nurse who worked nights quiet often – and today was one of those nights and Lexa was glad she was alone. She was sitting on the couch now, the TV on but the volume turned down as the light illuminated the dark room, her knees were pulled to her chest, forehead resting against it. Lexa just felt alone, completely alone like there was no one in the world but her.

 

The sudden knock on the door brought her out of her thoughts. Lexa's head shot up at the sound as she tried to brush the tears away – her eyes were probably puffy and red by now. It took her a minute to realize who it could be – Clarke, she was coming over tonight, they were just going to stay in and watch a movie. But Lexa didn’t want her to see her like this, she was just…a wreck tonight. She finally got up, rubbing her hand over her face before unlocking the door and finally opening it.

 

“Hey,” Clarke said with a smile as the door opened, suddenly taken aback by the way Lexa looked right now. “You okay?” She asked worriedly, stepping inside as Lexa held the door for her.

 

“Yeah, just a bad night.” Lexa nodded, closing the door behind her girlfriend. There was no point in trying to even say _I’m fine_ , she knew she looked worse than that. “I don’t know if I’m up for anything tonight.”

 

She looked bad, Clarke could see that, Lexa looked tired and upset and just like everything was wrong right now. “You okay?” She asked, still standing by the doorway, reaching to take Lexa’s hand. But she pulled it away immediately, looking away from Clarke as well. “Lexa, what’s wrong?”

 

“Don’t touch me.” It was small and quiet and barely audible. “Please.”

 

Clarke pulled her hand away immediately, nodding understandingly before speaking again. “Okay,” She nodded. “I won’t.”

 

“You don’t have to stay tonight.” Lexa told her, neither of them moving. “I’m just…” She trailed off, shrugging, “I don’t know.”

 

Clarke looked her over, watching her with a concerned look, “You shouldn’t be alone.” She didn’t know what exactly was wrong, but Clarke knew Lexa well enough to know the last thing she needed right now was to be alone.

 

Lexa crossed her arms over her chest, Clarke was probably right but she hated being seen like this. “I don’t want you seeing me like this. Not again.” She shook her head. “You have to way too often.”

 

“It’s okay.” Clarke only told her softly with a small smile, noticing the small crack in Lexa’s voice. “I want to be here. I don’t want you to be alone.”

 

Her dysphoria was bad tonight, it was awful really; there were just those days where everything that was wrong hit her all at once. Lexa didn’t want anyone to see her this, and she knew she couldn’t even let Clarke touch her right now. She’d rip her skin off right now if she could, if she knew it would make a little better, make her feel a little more in place in her own body. “Okay,” Lexa muttered quietly, nodding before leading her further into the house and towards the living room. “Can you just give me some space? Like physically…?” She asked her hesitantly, “My body just feels _wrong_ right now and I just-”

 

“You don’t have to explain.” Clarke told her gently, stopping her, Lexa worried too much, felt guilt too much for things that were out of her control. And Clarke just wanted her to know that it was okay, this wasn’t her fault, how she felt wasn’t her fault and she didn’t need to apologize for it.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

That’s exactly what Clarke meant, she didn’t need to be apologizing right now. For anything really, especially for how she was feeling right now. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay.”

 

Lexa only nodded, the two of them walking into living room as Clarke sat down on the armchair next to the couch where Lexa settled into. She curled into a ball, pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging them, as she tried to block herself out of reality almost. Clarke watched her worryingly, Lexa not paying attention to anything around her. So Clarke, picked up the remote and went on Netflix. She didn’t ask what Lexa wanted to watch, she knew Lexa didn’t care right now, Clarke knew she was upset and just felt off right now about everything. Clarke just clicked on the thing that came up on the screen – _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ – not really caring about it and just wanting to move next to Lexa and wrap her arms around her.

 

“Did you eat?” Clarke asked quietly after a few minutes.

 

Lexa shook her head tiredly, “I don’t think so.” She answered. “I don’t really know.” She didn’t, not really, everything was just a blur since getting home from school and Lexa might’ve eaten something once today, but that definitely wasn’t dinner. Her voice was shaky, like she was doing her best to not cry. Lexa almost wanted Clarke closer to her right now, her arms around her and just holding her and telling there was nothing wrong with her because of how she felt. But at the same time she didn’t want anyone near her, she didn’t want anything to touch her, even her clothes felt like too much right now.

 

Clarke’s heart broke for her, no wanted to see their significant other like this, and Clarke just wanted to do something to make her feel better. But right now, that was nothing, the most she could do right now was nothing. “Okay, well I’m ordering pizza.” She told Lexa, already placing an order through her phone. “You need to eat.”

 

Lexa only nodded, not really paying attention to anything right now. They fell silent after that, the two of them just looking blankly at the TV screen. The pizza arrived about fifteen minutes later, Clarke answering the door and coming back to the living room before going to the kitchen to get a plate and a couple of glasses for the soda. Coming back, she didn’t ask Lexa about it before pulling out a slice of pizza on the plate and placing it on the armrest of couch by Lexa’s side. Sitting back down on her seat, Clarke grabbed a slice to, and waiting for Lexa to pick her one up before taking a bite.

 

It had been about three hours now, a good few episodes into _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ when Clarke looked over to check on Lexa again. She was lying down now, on her side with a cushion from the couch under her head. Clarke watched her for a minute, she seemed very still right now, almost like she was aslee- _yeah, she’s asleep_ , Clarke smiled at herself as she realized it. Pushing herself off the armchair, Clarke stepped up to her, it was a little chilly and Lexa would get cold if she stayed here in only a sleeveless t-shirt and soccer shorts. She’d want her to go back to her room but at the same time Clarke didn’t want to wake her up. Instead, she looked around the living room, there was usually a blanket somewhere here. Clarke spotted it on the floor behind her couch, she didn’t really know why that would even be there. Nevertheless, she picked it up, unfolding it before placing it over Lexa. Clarke made sure to cover her arms, then stepped away to put the TV on mute instead of turning it off; satisfied with Lexa being asleep, Clarke picked up her things, wanting to leave her alone for now.

 

There was a set of keys by the front door, so Clarke decided on locking the door from the outside and pushing the key back in through the mail slot. So that’s what she did, carefully unlocking the door and stepping outside, doing her best to be quiet, Clarke locked the door the outside. The only thing she was worried about was the sound of the keys hitting the floor, so Clarke only hoped it wouldn’t wake Lexa up. Her parents would be back home around morning, they were both working the night so Lexa would be on her own for now. That was good, she could use some sleep, that was probably the only thing that would make Lexa feel a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two things. 1) i didn't edit the second part because i didn't wanna read over it again, it's just hard. and 2) idk how "real" the second part felt, i tried to get in to it deep, look into me and see how i feel when my dysphoria's through the roof....but i couldn't go in *too* deep coz....its hard and not a nice feeling. anyways, let me know what you thought. comments help me work faster just sayin'


	3. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cute clexa chapter. Starts with Lexa after a football game. Then there's a quiet moment at school where Lexa kinda blurts something out to Clarke. And we end on a nice note with them talking about where they see themselves in ten years time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a nice chapter. no angst i'd say. and clexa's just really cute.

“I so sore.” Lexa said with a small sigh as she lay on the bed face down without her shirt on. Clarke was sitting on top of her basically, straddling her hips and giving her a back rub. It had been a rough game today, and Lexa lost count of how many times she was tackled and slammed to the ground – and more times than not, she ended up with at least one person on top of her. The entire weekend was going to be spent in bed with an ice pack probably; her back and neck and even her legs were just sore and almost felt like jelly. They were at Clarke’s place now, both their parents at work and Lexa had come here straight from the game. “I don’t think I’m going to move at all in the next 48 hours.” She turned her head slightly to try and look at Clarke. “I don’t think I want you to move either.”

 

“You’re gonna be all bruised up tomorrow.” Clarke commented, rubbing her hands over Lexa’s shoulders. “Why do people even like football? Because in the end, all you get are bruises and possibly broken bones.”

 

“It’s…fun,” Lexa shrugged lightly, putting her head down on the pillow under her. “And if I didn’t play, we wouldn’t have met.”

 

Clarke nodded at that, not saying anything as she brought her hands down, putting a little pressure as she moved it down either sides of Lexa’s spine.

 

“Mmm…” Lexa smiled, humming at that, “I love you, you know that?” She told her, almost blissfully, “That feels so good.”

 

* * *

 

It was a slow day at school, there was a storm going on so a lot of the kids decided to just not show up today. Clarke had dragged herself out of bed by some miracle and to a text that said Lexa was going to pick her up – her car was in the garage, there was something wrong with it and she didn’t really know what. Technically the school was in walking distance of her house, about fifteen minutes away but who wanted to walk that much first thing in the morning? She wouldn’t mind it the couple of days her car was gone but not today – it was raining, and windy and she was just glad Lexa was going to pick her up.

 

“Why did we bother coming in today?” Clarke asked, sitting on a desk in an empty classroom. A lot of the teachers hadn’t come in either, the weather was just too bad and that’s why they didn’t have a class right now – well, they did, there was still a substitute but…why bother. All Clarke really wanted right now was to be home with Lexa in front of the TV with some hot chocolate.

 

Lexa was standing in front of her, between Clarke’s leg as she shook her head, “I have no idea.” She was leaning down slightly, her hands on the desk on either sides of Clarke, wanting to move closer and just kiss her. The classroom was dark, they didn’t bother turning the lights on, why would they because they _were_ sneaking around – turning on the lights would defeat the purpose. “Two more hours and then we can go home right?”

 

“Two hours too many.” Clarke told her, “God Lexa, can you just kiss me instead of hovering like that?” She rolled her eyes at Lexa; she was close, but not close enough, like she was going to kiss Clarke but at the same time she was just a little too far away. “Might as well do something to spend the time…”

 

Lexa only smiled at her, it was almost impossible to describe what she felt when she was with Clarke. She felt like herself, she felt comfortable in herself and just… _good_. So she leaned down a little closer, slowly bringing her lips to Clarke’s and gently kissing her. It was soft and slow and Lexa let herself get lost in it. The room was silent save for the sound of the wind and rain pounding on the window and it was just…peaceful. It felt like the world around them just melted away, disappeared because all that mattered was each other. “I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.” The words left her before she could stop herself, she was thinking it but Lexa didn’t know she was actually saying it out loud. Her eyes widened, stepping away a little as she realized what she just said, surprised at herself more than anything right now.

 

Clarke watched her for a moment before a smile broke out on her face. “Is that so?” She asked her lightly, her hand coming up and reaching to take Lexa’s. “Why do you look so horrified?”

 

“I didn’t realize I said it out loud.” Lexa shook her head at herself, she meant it though, and right before, when she was kissing Clarke, she was just lost in her own world. Lost in how, for a few seconds, nothing else mattered to her other than this girl in front of her, the only person who saw who she really was and loved her for it. “Sorry…”

 

“Come here,” Clarke rolled her eyes, tugging at her hands and bringing Lexa closer. “I love you.” She looked up at her, telling her matter-of-factly, “You know that right?” Lexa only nodded. “Then why are you apologizing?” Clarke asked her gently.

 

Lexa shrugged lightly, “I don’t wanna freak you out.” She offered, “Rest of our lives…it’s a little too soon for that…”

 

“You don’t seem to think it is.” Clarke said instead. “I don’t either. Not really.” She thought about it for a moment, “I’ve never felt this before Lex,” Clarke told her truthfully. “What I feel when I’m with you, I’ve never felt that with anyone else.”

 

“Is that good or bad?”

 

“Good, definitely good.” Clarke nodded. “I wanna stick around with you for a long time too.” She agreed to what Lexa had said a moment ago.

 

Lexa let out a small, relieved sigh, leaning closer and kissing Clarke’s forehead. “I think I have a lot to look forward to…in the near future.” She told her. “And I want you to be there for it…” Lexa was mostly talking about after school, once she had moved out and could finally live as herself and transition. No one wants to do that alone and she knew for a fact her parents wouldn’t be there for her through that. But Clarke would…she could, if Lexa played her cards right, she knew Clarke would stay for a long time. This was a big deal to her, a big deal for Lexa; she wanted nothing more at this moment to be able to live as her true self and transition medically into the woman she knew she was. But that thought also scared her.

 

“And I _want_ to be there for it.” Clarke ran her thumbs over the back of Lexa’s hand, giving her a soft smile. “I wanna see you being comfortable in your skin and just…being happy.” She didn’t see that too often, not really. Lexa liked to put on a front with people, she was out going, and happy, and _mentally stable_ – something Lexa liked to joke about because it was true. But when she was with Clarke, she was herself, and Clarke could see all the things that bothered her, all the things that held her back and kept her from even feeling comfortable with herself. “You know you look your best when you smile right?”

 

* * *

 

“What are you doin’?” Clarke asked as she walked up to Lexa who was sitting on her bed with her laptop. Clarke had left the room for a few minutes to get something to eat – she spent so much time at Lexa’s house, she knew where everything was by now. They had spent the day here since school, Clarke’s car still in the shop so she let Lexa drive her back. Her mom was at work and she didn’t want to go back home right now so Clarke tagged along, came back to Lexa’s place.

 

“Looking at football shoes.” She answered without looking up, “I need a new one.” Lexa added. “I actually think I need new trainers more.” She added absentmindedly. “For the gym and for training when we’re not in the field…”

 

Clarke only watched her for a moment, Lexa had that concentrated look on her face, with her eyebrows furrowed with a focused look in her eyes. “Hey,” She said suddenly, bringing her hand up to Lexa’s face and snapping her fingers to get her attention.

 

Lexa finally looked up at her, giving her a smile, “Sorry.” She waited until Clarke had joined her in bed before changing tabs back to Netflix. “So…what do you wanna watch?”

 

“Nothing,” Clarke moved closer to Lexa, resting her head against her side, “I want cuddles.” She closed the laptop, waiting for Lexa to set it aside before placing her arm around Lexa’s waist. “I’m in a cuddly mood.”

 

“I’m always in a cuddly mood.” Lexa replied with a smile, turning herself slightly so she could have her arms around Clarke. “With you anyways.” She almost couldn’t stand even being touched by anyone else unless it was while playing football.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Clarke hummed in content. There was just something really comforting about being in Lexa’s arms, made her feel safe – she didn’t even know safe from what…just _safe_. “Strong arms.” She muttered under her breath, closing her eyes with a small smile.

 

Lexa only rolled her eyes, scoffing a little at that. “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” It was a random question, and she asked it very casually – there wasn’t really anything specific she wanted to hear.

 

Clarke shrugged lightly, “I don’t really know.” She answered honestly. “Done with college, living on my own or with someone I love,” She turned her head to look at Lexa with a small smile, “Like you.” Clarke added, fake whispering. “And I don’t know…hopefully have a job I don’t hate.” She thought for a moment, that seemed to be it, she didn’t know entirely where she wanted to be in ten year’s time, or what she wanted her life to look like. “Oh,” She suddenly remembered. “And have a dog. Golden retriever probably.” Lexa couldn’t help but smile at that, that’s the one things Clarke sounded most sure of. “What about you?”

 

“Hmm,” Lexa thought for a moment, she kind of had it all planned out, well some of it. “Not living here, for one. Different state, somewhere far preferably. California maybe? Seems nice.” She started. “Done with college, hopefully I’m a lawyer by then.” Lexa shrugged, that’s what she wanted to do anyways.

 

“Lawyer huh?” Clarke asked with a quirked eyebrow, “I’m not letting go off you, I hope you know that.” She told her lightly, “I’m just gonna put all my effort into keeping myself looking good so I can be your trophy wife.” She shrugged jokingly, “Why bother with a job?” Lexa only laughed at that, “What else?” Clarke asked her, going back to what they were talking about.

 

“I wanna see myself when I look in the mirror.” She replied instantly, smiling a little at the thought, almost a little sad at the thought of how long it would take to get to that point. “That’s what I want more than anything else.”

 

“It must be hard.” Clarke commented, her voice quiet, a little unsure. “I can’t imagine, honestly.” She shook her head. “Everyone seeing me as someone I’m not, not even calling by the right name.” Clarke let out a small breath, “And I mean, I can’t begin to imagine what dysphoria must feel like. How do you go everyday feeling like you don’t belong in your own body?”

 

Lexa shrugged lightly, “It’s just…complicated.” She started. “I mean…I know it’s my body but most of the time it feels… _wrong_. I don’t really know how to explain it.” Lexa sighed, “But yeah, it’s not easy.” She agreed. “Some days are worse than others.”

 

“How do you do it?” Clarke finally asked. “The bad days, how do you get through them?”

 

“I just tell myself it’ll get better.” Lexa answered. “That I have a lot to live for because if I didn’t…” She fell silent, shaking her head, “I couldn’t do it, you know? What I have now…it’s not enough to want to live for, not really.” She told her honestly, “I have good things going for me, yes, of course I do; I have you, I have my football team, I’m doing good in school.” She added. “But all of… _this_ …gets too much sometimes. A lot of the times. And sometimes it makes me feel like I can’t keep going anymore.”

 

Clarke only moved up, kissing Lexa’s jaw lightly, she had no idea how Lexa did it, she couldn’t imagine how hard it could be – honestly she had no clue, but from what Clarke saw when Lexa was having a bad day…it was really bad. “You got this, okay?” Clarke said to her.

 

“Do I…?” Lexa asked her, not too happy about starting to feel emotional. “I know I have to wait but I’ll eventually get to where I want…but it feels like forever away.”

 

“You will.” Clarke didn’t wait a moment before responding. “It’s hard now, and I know there’s no way I can even begin to imagine what it’s like but babe, you’ll get there.” She told her. “Like you said, you have a lot to live for. And I’ll be here every step of the way alright?” Clarke could see how Lexa wasn’t even looking her in the eye right now. “I’ll be here and I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier, to make you feel better, to get you through your bad days.” She didn’t like seeing her upset, didn’t like seeing Lexa like this where she just seemed tired and broken.

 

Lexa nodded at her, pulling herself together as she took in a deep breath. “I think I need that.” She agreed, “I think I need a little push every now and then to keep me going.” Lexa finally looked at Clarke, giving her a small smile, she didn’t know how she got so lucky to find someone like Clarke. “I’m the luckiest person on this planet to have someone like you.”

 

“I think the feeling’s mutual.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so as for the last bit. it's based on my experiences, emphasis on MY because i know it's different with everyone and i'm not saying this is the right way to feel or anything. it's just how i feel and that's why i wrote lexa like this. okay cool, anyways, let me know what you thought, i love getting comments.


	4. What if I'm never enough?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much like the title implies, Lexa can't help but think she's never going to be enough and gets herself to actually talk to Clarke about it. And she's a good girlfriend, she comforts her, reassures her that no matter what it feels like to her, she is enough and will always be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay right i know i said i won't update this fic till i finished....the superhero au. but i wrote this chapter today coz i had a bad day and i really wanna post it now. it's shorter than usual chapters but i like getting my thoughts out when it's kinda raw, with this fic anyways. again, a lot of the stuff is kind of just me projecting i guess, projecting my experiences as a trans person so like...this might not be what it feels like for everyone, no one's the same. lexa's experiences and thoughts about being trans is just really similar to mine.

“What if I’m never enough?” It was another one those days, another one of those days where Lexa felt like she was worthless and no matter what, she’d never be enough. For the most part, it was probably unreasonable, but at the same time, it felt like she would never be enough and she would never be able to be the person she wanted to be. Mostly physically, you get told a lot that looks don’t matter but when you are transgender, it’s a lot more than just that. She was worried her body would never feel like her own, worried that no one would ever see her as the person she knew she was. _What other’s think doesn’t matter_ , that’s something she heard a lot too, generally anyways, not in this context and she didn’t like how much that affected her.

 

“What are you talking about?” Clarke asked in reply. She knew Lexa was having a bad day, well she had an idea because her girlfriend seemed a little too quiet all day.

 

Lexa gave her a shrug, “Like…me. What if I’m never enough?” She repeated, it was hard to talk about it, it was hard to voice her thoughts. But with Clarke…it was a little easier. “What if it’s just one thing after another with me trying to… _be myself_ and…it just never happens?”

 

They were at a park in Lexa’s neighborhood, only about five minutes from her place. It was after dark now though, and given how it was November, there was almost no one else here. Especially in the playground, that was empty, and that’s where they were, they were just sitting on the swings, Lexa trying to clear her mind. It was one of their favorite places during winter, neither Clarke nor Lexa had a problem with the cold so this was pretty nice and it always happened to be empty at this time.

 

“It will.” Clarke tried telling her. “You’re already enough Lex, to everyone around you.” She told her. “And you _will_ be comfortable in yourself,” Clarke gave her a small smile, trying to sound comforting. “It might take some time, but you’ll get there okay?”

 

Lexa looked away, looking down at the ground as she played with her hands. “Why does it feel impossible?” She asked quietly, “It just feels like it’ll never happen and I’ll just be alone at the end of it.” Lexa was mostly talking to herself right now, “’Cause it’ll be too much for anyone to put up with.”

 

“Don’t even.” Clarke shook her head, “That’s not true.”

 

“Am I not already too much?” Lexa looked at her, quirking an eyebrow. “Aren’t relationships complicated enough without…all of this?” She gestured at herself.

 

“No,” Clarke shook her head, “No, you’re not too much or too complicated or anything like that.”

 

“Why do I feel like I am?” Lexa asked, not really expecting an answer. If anything, she felt too much for herself most of the time, she couldn’t imagine what it would feel like for someone else. “I just feel like I’ll never be enough, I’ll never feel _whole_.” Lexa added, looking away from Clarke. “I’m always going to be incomplete.”

 

“Don’t say that.” Clarke tried to get her attention, but Lexa wouldn’t even look at her. “Lexa?” She tried again, this time reaching out and taking her hand. “No you won’t.” She told her. “You’re already complete and whole, okay?” Clarke asked her, “There might be a few cracks in there but that doesn’t make you any less of a person, any less of a woman.”

 

“Feels fake.” Lexa muttered. “Feels like I’m going to just be fake.” This time she looked at Clarke. “Everything about me is just going to be…things I did to _try_ and feel like myself.”

 

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked her gently.

 

“Surgery and hormones and…everything basically.” Lexa shrugged, “It won’t be…natural.”

 

“You just…” Clarke stopped her. “Need a little help to get yourself to where you need to be.” She told her, “That doesn’t make it any less natural, okay?” Lexa didn’t seem too convinced if that, “There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with wanting hormones or surgeries or anything like that.” She added. “You’re going to get there and there’s nothing wrong with how you get there.”

 

“Can I just fast forward a few years when things are okay?” Lexa asked quietly. “When I feel okay? When I feel like myself?” She asked no one in particular. “If that ever even happens.”

 

“It will.” Clarke tried. “I know it feels like it’s forever away, or that it won’t even happen.” She continued, “But it will, okay?” She told her, “And I’ll be right here, I’ll be right here holding your hand through it all.” Clarke gave her a small smile. “You won’t be alone.” She added. “I know you feel like you are.” That was something Lexa had said more than once, how alone she felt, and well, earlier today even she was saying how she believed she would be alone by _the end of it_. “I couldn’t imagine what it must be like for you babe, but I know I’ll be here with you no matter what.” She ran her thumb gently over the back of Lexa’s hand. She wasn’t alone, and she wouldn’t be as long as Clarke could help it.

 

“You’re going to get tired of me, of all of this eventually.” Lexa added quietly, referring to herself. “It’s too much…even for me sometimes.”

 

“That’s why I’m here.” Clarke told her. “I want to be there when you feel like everything is too much to handle on your own. I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be okay.” She explained. “Because it is. It might take a while Lex, but things will be okay, you will be okay.”

 

“I don’t know.” Lexa muttered, her voice barely audible as she shook her head. “I just don’t know Clarke.”

 

Clarke could hear a small sniffle and couldn’t tell if Lexa was crying right now. “It doesn’t feel like it now, I know.” She told her, this time standing up and stepping closer to her before hugging her behind. “But it will baby, I promise.” She placed a small kiss on the top of her head. “I know it’s hard to wait, it’s hard knowing how slowly things are going, but everything will be okay.”

 

“I hope so.” Lexa choked out, her arms coming up to Clarke’s.

 

“You’re going to wake up one morning and everything is going to be the way you need it to be.” Clarke told her, not letting go. “You’re going to wake up feeling comfortable in your body and you’re going to turn around in bed and I’m going to be there and your day is going to start with a smile on your face.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, “This isn’t what you signed up for.”

 

“You never know what you’re signing up for Lexa.” Clarke told her gently. “I honestly thought this was just a casual hookup.” She admitted, standing up straight this time before sitting back down. “I never expected it to be so much more.” She gave Lexa a small comforting smile. “But I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

 

“What if I get too much for you?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask. “You didn’t know I’d be dumping all of this on you.”

 

“You’re not dumping anything on me.” Clarke shook her head. “I’m here because I want to be, I’m here because I love you and I wanna do anything I can to help, anything to make you feel better.” She added. “I have no intention of leaving.”

 

They both fell silent for a while, neither of them needing to say anything as they sat there, gently pushing their feet on the ground to move the swing. Lexa was tired, a bad day got her more tired than the days she had football practice. She wanted to go home and go to bed, but at the same time, the thought of being alone right now scared her. “It’s tiring.” She spoke quietly after a while.

 

“What is?”

 

“Waking up every morning. Getting out of bed.” Lexa shrugged. “Just living…it’s so tiring.” This time she scoffed, “I don’t even feel like I’m _living_ to be honest. I’m just surviving for now. And it’s just…very tiring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a really shitty day where everything about me felt just wrong. but my girlfriend was really amazing about it and helped so much and then i found myself working on this fic so i decided to just post it now. i literally just finished writing it so yeah....it's not edited and i'm sorry about mistakes. i kinda like writing this fic when my feelings are still raw because other times it's hard to tap into them for lexa's bits. but yeah, clarke is amazing and understanding and supportive....much like my girlfriend and yeah....so here's a new chapter. let me know what you thought.

**Author's Note:**

> i kinda wrote this for myself so it's my own experiences and feelings about being trans and closeted. the only differences are that lexa's a trans woman and i'm a trans guy. but yeah, this is the only way i know how to get my feelings and thoughts out so that's what i did.


End file.
